Monday, November 19, 2012

Too Cool For School...Er, I mean Hospitals

I just want to let you guys know before you go any further, this is going to be a venting post.

Some people are gonna say that I dont have the right to an opinion because I dont have kids yet and am not a mom but truthfully, I dont give a shit & Im gonna say it anyway...

What the fuck is up with all this midwife, birth plan & birthing center talk I've been seeing around the blogosphere lately?

I don't know if people are aware but we're not living in the 1800's anymore, we have doctors, great one's at that, and these big buildings we named 'hospitals' where you can give birth to your child and they have all sorts of instruments that are life saving, should you need them.

As for birth plans, I'm lucky if I can get my dinner plans to go as scheduled. You wanna know what my plan is going to be when I'm about to pop out a tiny human from of my who-ha?

I'm keeping it simple: Get it out of me asap.

To each their own, right? Sure. I've read the upside/downsides of all of them, yeah I did  my research & googled that shit a few minutes ago & I'll respect whatever you choose to go with but it doesn't mean I 'get it'. Not that I have to.

I'm saying it right now though, I will have my future children in hospitals with doctors & RN's around, I will not be playing calming music in the background because it would just aggravating me more, I will most likely be cursing & asking for an epidural and I will no way in hell ever become one of those yuppie 'I only breastfeed, put cloth diapers on my child's precious ass, and douse them in sanitizer' kind of moms.

I'm calling it right now, my kid's gonna be that healthy but filthy little shit playing in the mud puddle out back.


  1. Uhm, I feel you. I respect people's desire to have a midwife and the kind of birth they want, but I almost feel like birth plans are setting yourself up for disappointment. In case people don't know, BABIES CAN'T READ THEM. SHIT HAPPENS.

    I ended up having a c-section because I had a baby that wanted to hang out the "wrong way" in utero and I would do it again in a heartbeat. I can't even think about what would have happened if I would have gone the "only at home" way. It would have been tragic.

    Doctors are awesome. Surgeons are awesome. Nurses are awesome. That is all.

    Oh, and I was going to cloth diaper and breastfeed too. Haha. Nope.

  2. I love this post.

    So, I'm a mom. I've gone through the rounds and rounds of "am I doing it right?" shit. Mostly because every one and their church choir always seem to preach that if you don't do your birth their way that you are wrong.

    And it's basically a load of shit.

    I knew I wanted an epidural - so I got one. Lillie turned out fine. I knew I wasn't going to cloth diaper - so I didn't. My kid's ass is still clean [most of the time]. And I wanted to breastfeed but I understood that sometimes things don't work out in your favor [hello mastitis and breast abscess!]. And you know, I think my kid is pretty damn smart even if she didn't "get everything" you get from exclusively giving them the ol' boob.

    Basically when it comes to your kid, you are wrong and every one else's theories are right. The only thing you can do is smile, nod & say Sorry not my thing and go about your business.

  3. I feel you girl! I had no birth plan, I did some classes but figured the hospital knew what was right. I secretly hoped for a c-section and ended up getting an emergency one (better late than never). ... and then I couldn't breast feed. Which I wasn't excited about doing in the first place considering I was going back to work... to a cube. And then it hit me. Hello post partum depression. I couldn't push a baby out, I couldn't breastfeed. I was a failure as a female. It was the worst. Granted I'm over it and am happy for hospitals and I still don't know exactly what a midwife vs dula is. But when I read other posts (I'm talking about MODG) and I see netflicks instant que movies like The Business of Being Born. It does put a different spin on the situation. If I ever was to get prego again... maybe I would like to try a VBAC and not another c-section. Just to see if i could do it. But in the end. They don't award metals for having a natural birth. fIt doesn't make you a better mom. I think more information is available now but it is a shame some moms are so against modern medicine that they risk their own and their babies health.

  4. Okay.

    I feel like I'm kind of an expert at this whole birth thing, so...

    I get it. It's annoying. I have friends that do the whole crunchy attachment parenting thing while I roll my eyes and tell the boys to get off my kool-aid because mommy needs them to go outside. I had all of my kids in a hospital and I've pushed them out and had them cut out. I had two fucking kids at once.

    But, I also had a traumatic birth and recovery and I wish that I'd had a plan in place so I could have avoided the problems I had.

    That all said, what the hell is the point in broadcasting it all over the interwebz like you're a hero? I don't need to see 800 photos of you in a bathtub covered in afterbirth goo. What happens with your uterus stays with your uterus. Not with you and 500 facebook friends.

    So. There's my $1.75.

  5. I totally agree. As a matter of fact my little sister and I were just having this conversation last weekend when she asked me if I was going to use a midwife when I have my baby in April. I told her no and she said ,"Well then you better get ready to have a C-section then because 50% of hospital births go that way". I was like uhm it's my decision anyway, but thanks for your input.

    Living in Portland, I have nothing against the whole granola hippie Mom thing, but it's NOT for me. Hospital and an epidural is my plan. And whatever happens from there happens. I can't control it. All I want is a healthy baby, no matter which way it comes out.

  6. I'm with you, though I didn't get an epidural, but only because I didn't want an IV... I'm not scared about needles, but this one would stay in my hand... so hell no! I did breastfeed, but as soon as he needed more than I could produce I didn't think twice about formula... hey he got his food and I got my sleep!

  7. Ugh. Thank you! I felt a tremendous amount of guilt during my entire pregnancy whenever I mentioned the word epidural. I was seriously undecided until we even got to the hospital. The one thing that made me feel okay was when the dr told me "at the end of this you're going to have a baby either way." Duh right - so then I ran for the epidural! And hey my baby is juuuust fine. :)

  8. Linny! Are you calling me a yuppy???? ;-) Ah, but seriously, natural mamas do not equal yuppies. In fact, the yuppiest thing I've ever heard with regard to birthing a baby was this: "I thought I wasn't going to be able to put my make-up on and still get my epidural in time." Mmkay. Also, I know you were venting, but just so you know...my cloth diapered- only breast fed (til 12mo)- cared for by midwives while in utero- kiddo often plays outside in dirt, romps around with our dogs, and eats food off the floor. And I don't even use sanitizer!! :-) Just sayin'.

  9. Muhahahaha! Couldn't stop laughing! And I have to admit: I have had the exact same rant about a trillion times! That's what doctors are for even if having a baby is not a disease! In there is no way I'm ever having a baby in one of those swimming pools either. Heck no!

  10. Oh my gosh. I love this. You crack me up!

  11. is in inappropriate that I burst out laughing more than once...
    couldn't agree more man, when I first started reading blogs everyone was giving birth in bathtubs, and yes to each their own and I really could never rule it out until I'm in that situation but some people are so dead set in their one homeopathic natural way and that no other way could possibly be right!!

  12. I don't have any kids either, and no plan to have any for awhile, but some day...at any rate, I'm all about the hospitals and having everything I could possibly need being there. If you want to do home birhs or whatever, go for it, but i'd rather be secure in a hospital with the knowledge that my child will be alright (at least, more of a chance for them to be okay if anything went wrong while giving birth). :)


  13. Ever since I moved to Minnesota, I've only heard about the crunchy, hippie, home birthing moms. Um...not for me. I know of an awful experience with my SiL's friend and her baby may have some developmental issues because the docs even told her she can't have a home birth, but she did it anyway.
    I will be giving birth in a hospital as well. If something goes wrong, I want to be in the right place.

  14. Midwives also work in the hospital setting. A midwife is an RN with a masters degree, just in case you didn't know. Midwives are more about the holistic approach to birth, hence why people who want alternative births turn to them. Midwives are more than what you described. You know I heart you and I'm not judging, but seeing as this is my current path of career, I'd thought I'd weigh in just a bit.

  15. yessss...agreed! No need to prolong the experience of a human exiting my body. :)
    I honestly feel like this is a blog-world thing, because my best friend had a baby 18 months ago and she opted for a C-section because she really just wanted her out. Who wouldn't want to meet their baby asap anyway?

  16. I'm one of the "old ladies" now, my last baby was born in 2000. I had four babies..first one was a c-section (he was over 10 lbs. and had a head that was 15 inches around...enough said, right?). Second one was a vbac (vaginal birth after cesearean). My dauhter and I both almost died. If we hadn't been at a hospital, we would have.

    I have friends who ARE doulas and midwives, and friends who have used them. I respect the idea and understand why, and if you are lucky enough to have a complication-free birth, I think it's awesome. But there's nothing like almost bleeding to death to convince you that a hospital birth is just fine and dandy.

    P.S. My kids were the filthy little shits playing out in the dirt...and they are all awesome.

  17. this is why I love you! Totally agree with you. My main two goals were 1) get it out of me pronto and 2)whatever it takes to keep this kiddo healthy.

    I love this post!

  18. I've come back from the dead to tell you that I totally agree with you! EVERY SINGLE person I know that had a birthing plan basically had to throw it out of the window because, guess what, nothing went as planned! I think it's good to know when going in a general idea of what you'd like, but aside from that I think you're lucky if things go according to a birthing plan.

  19. This is a ridiculous post. You have no idea what you are talking about... Googling it for 3 minutes doesn't make you an expert

    I am a hospital birthing mom. It's what works for me.

    But to be so stupid as to make all these assumptions and asshole remarks is just pathetic.

    1. fyi: Googling this totally took longer than 3 minutes, actually it was more like 10. And next time you come around here it'd be nice if you left your name & an email address where I can respond to YOUR 'asshole remarks' & pathetic attempt to get your point across.

      Thanks for stopping by & giving me more page views!

  20. I agree! I think a lot of people put the experience before health and safety.

  21. First off, Big Fat Gini made me giggle profusely. I love wit.

    Secondly, cursing and asking for an epidural is a birth plan, albeit a stressful sounding one. Just saying. ;) I think most people make a "birth plan" to make sure that all options are taken into account, even if the plan is 1) Go to the hospital, 2) Listen to the doctor, 3) Have a baby.

    That being said, from a neuroscientist's prospective, breast feeding is the shit for pair bonding and hormone levels. But I've never had a baby attach to my nipple before, so I can't actually say this with 100% certainty.

    I don't have kids, so I have no clue why I commented.

  22. as someone who is about to give birth I'm gonna put an AMEN on this post. first of all, I dont GET a choice of how I am going to give birth (huzzah socialized medicene) but you better believe your ass i'm going to take any and every drug im offered...I've had braxton hicks and if thats only practice I would be insane to go all the way through real labour with no meds! (I'm wont even have a headache without tylonel much less squeeze a human out my vag with no meds!)
    Also the breastfeeding nazis...get past it. They made formula for a reason. I dont plan on breastfeeding...I may change my mind, I may not. but its my fucking body and not yours and stop fucking judging me. I'm not giving my newborn child a big mac and a beer so STFU.
    Don't get me started on cloth diapers. I have enough shit to wash around here with out having to literally wash shit.

    also....if i want to get my child into a decent school here apparently I was supposed to put his/her name in as soon as that second line showed up on the stick. who knew. bunch of bullshit in my opinion. looks like my kids gonna be a dummy.


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