Thursday, July 5, 2012

Lessons Learned: Vegas Club Edition

I had a fabulous time in Vegas this weekend but truth be told I'm to old to party like a 21-year-old. My feet can't  handle hours of dancing in heels, my ear drums can only stand so much bass, and my organs can only withstand so much smoke & alcohol damage. So as great as an experience as it was I'd have to say the buffets and low key music lounges are where my behind belong.

The good news is I came back with a few tidbits of info for you guys... 

 Wearing tiny/skin tight clothes is the new black.
No lie, most of the dresses these women were wearing to these clubs were so tight they could have been painted on. I believe I was the only one that had free movement in their clothing. Talk about being the odd man out. Even the chunkier gals were sporting outfits that showed off every dimple & crease. I suppose no one told them you have to leave somethings to the imagination, like what kind of hairdo your kitties sporting .

 Dudes will say anything if they think they have a chance of getting laid.
Telling a girl she's "beautiful" and bragging about driving a Lexus is not gonna automatically make her panties drop. Well, not all girls. Yes, we like to hear we're pretty but when you tell one girl that & then unknowingly tell her cousin the same thing two minutes later, you pretty much just cock blocked yourself. We don't want to hear about your parents being rich, how 'bangin' you think our body is, or the fact that you can supposedly read palms (total lame excuse to obtain some physical contact, btw). Stop trying so damn hard. It's a bit pathetic. Chicks like a guy that plays hard to get.

No one cares if you dance like a penguin.
No one dances exactly alike but lets be bluntly honest, there are just some people who should have their dancing shoes revoked. But in Vegas, no on gives a shit what you dance like. I witnessed a lady doing the Roger Rabbit, a man doing the sprinkler, and a couple grinding so hard on one another that I thought the friction of their bodies was gonna start a fire. Did anyone care? Hell no. They were all busy either getting drunk, shaking their asses on the dance floor, or trying to get laid.

Excessively flirting with guys for free drinks is the norm.
Poor saps. I witnessed so many guys being played for free drinks, it was really quiet sad. Girls use their 'assets' to the full extent in order to get their drink on. My gay cousin actually lead a guy on for about 1.5 hours just so he could keep shelling out that dough for her drinks & then tossed his ass aside when she had a buzz going. Wise up fellas, buy a girl one drink & then cut her ass off. If she ditches you after that one drink then she's not into you. Move on.

Any flat surface is a dance floor.
This includes couches, tables, desks, bars, bar stools, benches...well, you get the idea. Some women will use any flat surface to dance on & act all slutty if it makes them the center of attention. Does this mean they probably didn't get enough attention as a child? Probably. Is it still very entertaining? Fuck yes.

(warning: lower the volume before playing this video)


  1. I've wondered about the painted on clothing and ehem, chunkier gals. I'm placing myself in this category...so I feel like I have room to talk so...do they own a mirror? Cause I want NO ONE seeing any dimples I have. Seriously.

    Guys will do anything if they think it'll get them laid. One time, I had a guy tell me that he had season tickets to see the Spurs. Like that would make me say "alright, let's get it on"

    I'm old. I so much prefer sitting and drinking while being able to hear my friends instead of pretending and nod at what they say. See, I told you I'm old...maybe crotchety too.

  2. Mmmmm oh man do I love a Vegas buffet! Did you record that video? Was it on Halloween or is that what kids are wearing these days? I'd be the plump ass vaguely-butch looking one in the corner wearing olive green cargo capris and Keen sandals. Officially admitting that my party days are over.

    Bet it felt good to get home, huh?

  3. I LOVE THIS POST! It's so true. I have actually never done a true Vegas experience, although I've been here many times. This sounds spot on though! Ha!


  4. "I suppose no one told them you have to leave somethings to the imagination, like what kind of hairdo your kitties sporting ."

    I love this post - you are hilarious!


  5. ha-ha, great descriptions of Las Vegas and clubs/advice. Your dry wit cracks me up,. You're the Queen of Witty Snark, girl!

  6. Lol...this is exactly why I don't have a desire to go to Vegas, not my thing (although the buffets are tempting...). Then again, this sounds like a lot of clubs in Florida too. I have never understood the chunky girls that like to display their rolls....ewwww

  7. Ha! Penguin dancing. LOVE IT.

    Also, I have to say, I feel like some of these tips are quite obvious and you maybe should have learned them sooner. (Eg, yes, men are pigs.) Other tips may be specific to Vegas.

    In any case, I adore you, so there's that.

  8. I love this post so much! And I have to admit that I love going to clubs, pubs, cafes, restaurant and watch other people. :)

  9. LMAO!!! i have been to vegas 34395745 times! LOL! at least that's what my friends say. it all started when i was still underage and we got to do the under 21 clubs. it's definitely a fun weekend type of trip, not a place that you stay for a week or so. i'm going back in september to take my rookie friends from the east coast to sin city. should be fun.

  10. Ah Vegas. I was always a drinker and gambler but never a dancer so I have mixed feelings about the city lol.

    How was it with your cousin? Did you make up?

  11. This made me laugh. Anything goes in Vegas...that's what I love about it.


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